Two and a Half Men

Mark Seen

Pilot Sep 23, 2003 After Charlie's night with a girl is ruined due to Alan's interruption, Alan moves in, being kicked out of his house by his "suffocated" wife: Judith. The next day Alan brings over his son, Jake while he and Judith can talk about their marriage. While eating, Alan finds out that Judith is a lesbian therefore their relationship ends. Charlie takes to Jake, and begins to take him shopping to meet girls and lets him play at his poker games. Upset, Alan moves in with their mother, Evelyn, taking Jake with him. Charlie now feels surprisingly empty and invites Alan and Jake to move back in, convincing Alan that all their problems in life are because of their controlling mother and that Jake would only end up being just as messed up in later life.

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Big Flappy Bastards Sep 30, 2003 While spending time with Jake, Charlie finds it hard to enforce rules that Alan has set out for him. It gets to the point were Jake lures a flock of sea gulls into his room, and Charlie gets very upset. This prompts Jake to try and get Charlie to forgive him.Alan starts doing chores for Judith, in the hopes of them getting back together. During one of the tasks, Judith kisses Alan, leading him to believe that things will get back to the way they once were.

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Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell Oct 7, 2003 After spending a day at Disneyland, Jake gets sick and wants to go to his mothers' house, to have her take care of him. This sends Alan into a state of misery, as he realizes he's losing his wife, and son. Charlie suggests that they go drinking, and Alan agrees. After drinking the boys take a cab home, but at one point they end up at their mothers, where they try to tell her what they think of her, but fail in getting the point across.

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If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap Oct 14, 2003 Charlie is very unhappy with his housekeepers' decision to quit, after she experiences Alan's demanding ways. Alan then offers to take on the role of housekeeper, but this situation doesn't work at all. So Alan decides to get the housekeeper to come back. Before Alan leaves, he puts Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for a dinner with his mother and grandparents. Charlie also tries to get Rose to move on, and date other men. He finds both situations to be bigger challenges then he first thought.

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The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump Oct 21, 2003 After spending a night in Las Vegas, Charlie decides to live up to his promise that he made to Jake about attending his soccer game. During the game, Charlie sets up a play-date with an unattached mother named Kate, and they hit it off. During one of their dates, Charlie seems like he's ready for a serious relation. Alan sets up a meeting with Gloria (one of the soccer moms) to write a soccer newsletter, but Gloria has other intentions for the evening, and he has no idea. During the evening another soccer mom, Brooke, tries to move in on Gloria's plans.

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Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? Oct 28, 2003 Charlie tries to teach Jake to avoid certain calls that Charlie doesn't want to deal with, like his mother (Evelyn) for one. Evelyn gets so frustrated with not being able to talk to Charlie, that she decides to drop in while in the neighborhood. She invites them to dinner, to meet her new boyfriend (Tommy). When the brothers get over to their mothers house, Charlie is shocked to realize that Tommy's daughter is Olivia, one of the people he has been avoiding. Olivia tries to confront Charlie about their situation, but doesn't get the answer she wants, and throws a drink in his face, then storms off. After a week of not being able to contact their mother, Alan gets worried about her. So the brothers decide to go to her house and see if she's okay. They find her sitting in the dark and drinking, and she informs them that Tommy dumped her for a younger women. Later the brothers get Jake to try and cheer her up.

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If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake Nov 4, 2003 Judith gets worried when, for a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of a female surfer friend of Charlie's who is in the habit of walking around his place half naked. Then Alan gets worried about Judith after she becomes friends with the surfer girl.

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Back Off Mary Poppins Sep 21, 2004 Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.

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Enjoy Those Garlic Balls Sep 28, 2004 Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.

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A Bag Full of Jawea Oct 5, 2004 Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.

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Go Get Mommy's Bra Oct 12, 2004 Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate. When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat. When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.

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Bad News from the Clinic Oct 19, 2004 Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.

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The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance Oct 26, 2004 Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.

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A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana Nov 9, 2004 Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.

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Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts Sep 20, 2005 After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.

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Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover Sep 27, 2005 Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.

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Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark Oct 4, 2005 Alan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.

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Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs Oct 11, 2005 Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them

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We Called It Mr. Pinky Oct 18, 2005 Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship, becuase of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.

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Hi, Mr. Horned One Oct 25, 2005 Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.

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Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop Nov 8, 2005 Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father (Martin Sheen), comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.

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Working for Caligula Sep 19, 2006 Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a breakdown after his divorce from Kandi.

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Who's Vod Kanockers? Sep 26, 2006 Charlie finally tells Alan the truth about why he did not marry Mia. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbour.

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The Sea is a Harsh Mistress Oct 3, 2006 Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.

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A Pot Smoking Monkey Oct 10, 2006 Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.

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A Live Woman of Proven Fertility Oct 17, 2006 Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.

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Apologies for the Frivolity Oct 24, 2006 Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother’s.

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Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head Nov 7, 2006 Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.

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Large Birds, Spiders and Mom Sep 25, 2007 Jake is getting ready to start a new school as he graduates to Junior High. Alan and Charlie take him school shopping and find themselves in trouble.

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Media Room Slash Dungeon Oct 2, 2007 Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.

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Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo Oct 9, 2007 Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Alan's ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.

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City of Great Racks Oct 16, 2007 Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.

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Putting Swim Fins on a Cat Oct 24, 2007 Charlie has to come up with ways to keep his girlfriend's 4-year-old amused; Alan becomes a test subject.

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Help Daddy Find His Toenail Oct 31, 2007 Charlie's girlfriend is embrassed to go out in public with him. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to attend a concert.

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The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room Nov 6, 2007 After Alan and Charlie have a fight about Alan's role in the house. Alan packs Jake up and moves in with his mother.

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Taterhead is Our Love Child Sep 23, 2008 In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend (Rena Sofer) and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.

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Pie Hole, Herb Sep 30, 2008 Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.

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Damn You, Eggs Benedict Oct 7, 2008 Alan, Jake, and Charlie all decide to try new things: Alan is dating more than one woman, Charlie learns to cook, and Jake experiments with beer.

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The Flavin' and the Mavin' Oct 14, 2008 Alan is sure that things will turn bad when Charlie starts dating his receptionist.

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A Jock Strap in Hell Oct 21, 2008 Charlie tries to help Jake's former teacher, who became a stripper after dating him, but things go from bad to worse when she has a religious conversion.

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It's Always Nazi Week (1) Nov 4, 2008 When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.

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Best H.O. Money Can Buy Nov 11, 2008 Alan tries to get away from Judith. Meanwhile, Charlie and Herb go out on the town.

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818-jklpuzo Sep 22, 2009 Charlie must make a difficult decision about his future and with which woman he wants to spend his life: Chelsea or Mia.

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Whipped Unto the Third Generation Sep 29, 2009 When Chelsea convinces Charlie to let Alan's new girlfriend, Melissa, move in, the girls end up taking over Charlie's house.

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Mmm, Fish. Yum. Oct 6, 2009 Alan ends up playing maid to Judith's new baby as well as his former mother-in-law. Meanwhile, Jake uses an incriminating photo to blackmail Charlie.

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Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator Oct 13, 2009 Alan starts working for Evelyn as Charlie works to fix the relationship between Chelsea and Jake.

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For the Sake of the Child Oct 20, 2009 Jake stops at nothing to get away from Charlie and Alan, after they embarrass him out in public.

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Give Me Your Thumb Nov 3, 2009 Alan's advice to Chelsea that she get breast-reduction surgery is not met with enthusiasm by Charlie, who kicks him out, but staying with Evelyn has its own challenges.

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Untainted by Filth Nov 10, 2009 Alan and Charlie are shocked when they wake up next to a strange woman, and try to find out what happened.

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Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud Sep 21, 2010 When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.

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A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer Sep 28, 2010 Charlie is willing to do anything for Alan to accept Lyndsey's offer to move in with her.

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A Pudding-Filled Cactus Oct 5, 2010 After moving in with Lyndsey, Alan continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.

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Hookers, Hookers, Hookers Oct 12, 2010 Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after their home burns down.

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The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel Oct 19, 2010 Alan pretends to be Charlie when he goes out on the town; Charlie sneaks off for cosmetic surgery.

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Twanging Your Magic Clanger Oct 26, 2010 Charlie has difficulty dealing with dating a slightly older woman.

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The Crazy Bitch Gazette Nov 2, 2010 Charlie's girlfriend gets fed up with his stalker, Rose.

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Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Sep 20, 2011 Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.

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People Who Love Peepholes Sep 27, 2011 Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.

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Big Girls Don't Throw Food Oct 4, 2011 Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

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Nine Magic Fingers Oct 11, 2011 Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.

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A Giant Cat Holding Churro Oct 18, 2011 Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.

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The Squat and The Hover Oct 25, 2011 Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.

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Those Fancy Japanese Toilets Nov 1, 2011 Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.

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I Changed My Mind About the Milk Sep 28, 2012 Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.

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A Big Bag of Dog Oct 5, 2012 Zoey and Walden break up, causing Walden to experience a breakdown.

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Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt Oct 12, 2012 Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.

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You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For Oct 19, 2012 Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town.

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That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam Oct 26, 2012 Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose.

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Ferrets, Attack! Nov 2, 2012 Walden must choose between Zoey and Rose.

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Avoid the Chinese Mustard Nov 9, 2012 When Walden gets tired of the complications that come with a traditional relationship, he hires an actress to be his girlfriend; Jake plans a rendezvous with Missi (Miley Cyrus) at the beach house.

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Nangnangnangnang Sep 27, 2013 Charlie's 25-year-old daughter arrives at the beach house, hoping to get to know her family.

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I Think I Banged Lucille Ball Oct 4, 2013 Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her wealthy boyfriend, Marty (Carl Reiner).

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This Unblessed Biscuit Oct 11, 2013 When Berta hurts her back at work, Alan and Walden think she should retire.

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Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank Oct 18, 2013 Walden parties with Jenny and her attractive friends; Alan's illicit affair with Lyndsey is jeopardized.

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Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 Oct 25, 2013 Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.

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Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants Nov 8, 2013 When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.

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Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie Nov 15, 2013 Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening.

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The Ol' Mexican Spinach Oct 31, 2014 Following a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides to reprioritize his life with Alan's help.

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A Chic Bar in Ibiza Nov 7, 2014 When Walden asks Alan to sign a pre-nup, Alan gets offended and has second thoughts about getting married.

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Glamping in a Yurt Nov 14, 2014 Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.

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Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight Nov 21, 2014 A birth mother considers having Walden and Alan adopt her baby.

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Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Nov 28, 2014 Walden becomes a foster parent to a 6-year-old boy, but worries about himself when they don't hit it off like he hoped.

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Alan Shot a Little Girl Dec 5, 2014 Alan breaks Walden's rules when he realizes that Louis thinks he's cool, and he wants it to stay that way.

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Sex with an Animated Ed Asner Dec 12, 2014 Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids’ gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Alan goes out for a girls’ night with a group of moms.